Archive for January, 2007

A Twist in the Nads

{ January 16, 2007 @ 1:54 am } · { Humor, Sex }
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I had an awesome sex life with my last girlfriend until she discovered that she loved my balls…No love is an understatement, she started obsessing about my balls. Now I know the fact that a girl has gone bananas on your nuts sounds bloody brilliant and one would think that I was getting tea bagging, ball licking/sucking and all sort of other naughty testicles associated activities, nothing could be far from the truth.

Even though at first it used to be a gentle massage or a tickle near my butthole area but as time went on her way of saying “I love you” became a slap on the nads, a squeeze hard enough to juice a lemon and a kick down there in the middle of a hot make out session. I mean okay I like some naughty kinky stuff but there is a limit till a brother can tolerate that excruciating pain.

The painful truth is that I am partially responsible for the unfortunate position I got into. On one hand I had an absolutely magnificent butthole stimulation with a tongue doing magical things to my testicles and on the other an iron clamp that was her hand. I can distinctly remember the day it went from the gentle rubbing of the foot to a kick hard enough to kill an elephant. There we were under the sheets with my mouth around those delicious boobs and her foot doing wonders to my genitals when suddenly I got a light kick on my nuts. At that moment I didn’t know what I liked more; her toe brushing against my butthole as she made way to my cock or this exhilarating, new, slightly painful thrust on my balls. All I remember after that is that I left her boobs, got up, looked her in the eye, said “Naughty” and then slid my tongue down her throat. This ofcourse made her think that nothing in this world could ever make me happier though I always wish she had the same opinion about giving me a head.

Now don’t get me wrong here from the evening of the gentle thrust till the horrifying nights of nut cracking my balls got some of the best action I think I will ever get in my life. But towards the end there was more busting than sucking. A part of me still thinks she started hating me for something I have no clue to; maybe she didn’t like the teeth marks I left on her neck. The best thing to do now would be to forget the pain and jack off to that beautiful face tea bagging my sack.

Moral of the story – A gentle thrust can go a long way; don’t get carried away in your kinks.

The Birth of Cuntaculla

{ January 13, 2007 @ 4:16 pm } · { Humor, Periods, Sex }
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It all started when my friend Zack convinced his girlfriend to go down on him. The catch was that he will have to give her some tongue action before he actually got anything for himself. Zack thought “Hell this woman will put my dick in her mouth, licking her cunt wont kill me”. Little did Zack know that this deal will leave a mental scar even years of psychiatric treatment wont be able to fix. 

Being a shy girl the lights were switched off after the unmentionables were tossed and Zack found his tongue in unfamiliar territory in a dark room with the curtains drawn. Yea, it was Zack’s first time as well. From my personal experience and well now Zack’s too women go crazy when a tongue as much as touches their clitoris. In Zack’s case she was hornier than a bitch in heat to begin with. As things got naughtier and the girl started to spasm Zack’s mouth was filled with a strong salty taste. Being a novice and a first timer Zack assumed that was how a woman was supposed to taste when she climaxes. So even with the disturbingly uncomfortable saltishness and thick fluid he could feel dripping down his chin this young man continued pleasing his woman by venturing even deeper into the abyss of the now sickening cunt. Suddenly out of nowhere the girl pushed Zack’s head between her legs and clamped em like he was planning to run away with her pussy. And that was when the actual spasms started. For Zack it was worse than being tumbled down a hill in a cardboard box. Hell the boy couldn’t even breath since his nose was pressed against or for all we know inside her cunt. As he tells us now “The smell! OH GOD The SMELL!!!”. 

After about a minute of being stuck in this highly disturbing situation the girl released him from “The Prison of Cunt”. Having lost all tolerance for anything on god’s green earth Zack rushed to the bathroom to wash out the thick, salty liquid which had now even made way to his nose. But before he could actually turn on the tap Zack saw in the mirror which no man no matter how evil should see; his face was covered in thick red blood. Yes, his girl was having her periods. Her hormones betrayed her and in the moment of heat she lost all her senses except the brilliant tongue lashing my friend was providing her with. 

Zack died that night out of sheer disgust and shock but from his ashes rose Cuntaculla – The Period Feeder! While the old Count may bury his teeth in necks of unsuspecting victims Cuntaculla tears of panties and digs his teeth in the pads and then the pussy lips of girls having periods. So all you women folk might find it a good idea to stay indoors during your “time of the month”, you never know when Cuntaculla might pounce and mutilate your twats.

Masturbation Caused Pregnancy!

{ January 8, 2007 @ 3:43 am } · { Humor, Sex }
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Can two people who are just trying to pleasure themselves end up being the father and a mother of a child without ever meeting each other physically? Sure they can, here is how this may happen.

Two people alone can’t manage a fuckup this huge so the next best number is three and that is exactly what we need. Two yankers… No a yanker and a my-middle-finger-in-my-cunt loving girl; there is no way in hell we are getting this done without ovaries. Lets call these innocent masturbators Wanky and Jenny and Sammy is the guy who will fuck them up.

So one fine morning Wanky jacks off and since he is about to miss his bus washing his cum drenched hands is the last thing on his priority list, in short he leaves with a layer of semen on his hands. At work he shakes hands with Sammy and Sammy later shakes hands with Jenny. All these morning pleasantries ended up getting Wanky’s morning-woody-taming-routine cum to Jennys hands.

Poor Jenny! little does she know she is carrying the seed of disaster in her hands. Jenny’s having a rough day and she decides to calm her nerves by going down on herself. Bad Choice!!!!!! Why you ask me? Cause as soon as she puts her fingers in her hungry, wet and pulsating pussy thinking she is safe in the copier room the fact is Wanky’s sperms are making way to her young ovaries.

9 months later Jenny has a baby. A DNA test makes Wanky the father and the parents have no fucking clue as to how they concieved. Sammy in this entire episode maybe labeled bi since he fucked em both!

Moral of the story, wash you hands after you are done polishing Vader’s helmet.